trailing off..

Things have changed. The initial unquenchable search for any engagement with Parkour be it by going out to practise alone late at night or early in the morning, meeting new friends and training partners, watching U tube, talking the perspective of any old timer as gospel, analysing the treads of potential new footwear and having more self reflection than i had time to get down on this blog is definately not the as it once was. My passion has definately mellowed but has it burnt out altogether?(No!)As im aware it was a year commitment to keep a blog and im coming to the last few months it seemed time to ask.......what was it all for?.

Using Johanns questions posted on PK GEN blog (not quite ready to face up to Petes poetry challenge but give me time:.)as a way in i'm going to try and retrace my steps and see how the view is different.

1/ why did you start Parkour? - i knew about it from James Bond and Jump London...i started it because the opportunity was there in the form of PK Gen and at that time also Urban Freeflow classes and i don't think in honesty i would be involved with it now without having a structured way in. I started at that particular time because i was developing a compulsion for risk in many forms (made some interesting career choices i can tell you). i also had a massive 'can do' attitude at that time and thought; 'women can do this too', 'i can learn quickly', 'i can suprise myself', 'that could be me one day' (in response to watching pk vids), 'that will get me fit'. I also had a yearning for something extreme and the relatively militant edge to conditionning was very attractive. I wanted to be shouted out, i wanted a recognisable achievement, i wanted to feel, to hurt even, to do something exciting, i was sick of mediocrity, i wanted to escape the everyday so badly sometimes it felt like i might implode, i wanted to go to the tipping point and actually spill for once. There was a time a year ago when the potential transformation that Parkour can bring was the most attractive thing in the whole world and i was more ambitious and determined than ever. To find an activity that could connect your physicality, energy, imagination, desires, determination, your concept of who you were and what you 'did', your playfullness and your wisdom, an activity that was a the same time the coolest new thing and the oldest form concievable was quite a discovery.

Why do i do it now? - mostly to invest time focusing on something as an end in itself, it could be any activity but the safety issues that come with Parkour calls the thoughts into line a little more effectively and for this reason Parkour practise is still tied to a feeling of 'neccesity'for me in some ways. Another element that im experimenting with is commiting all my energy quickly and completely. This i would describe as my ability to express myself articulately, to make what is internal become external as effectively as possible. The moments after trying a big wall run I instinctually pace a bit, maybe stare with that glazed over look, i never feel quite ready to throw myself at a second attempt quite yet. I suspect now that the intensity of Parkours demanding full body movements stimulates the nervous system quite dramatically and those brief moments of pacing after are 'downtime'. Now I like listening to the fog and muddle that happens inside immediately after, like the way dropping a stone into a pond agitates the pond floor and temporarily turns the water murky. I challenge myself to collect my energy quicker, to go sooner than i think i am ready, to ask myself what i think i am waiting for?. Im glad to say i do still challenge myself now there is far less of the fear training. I can only describe the shift as being that i only want to accept challenges that put me together rather than take me apart if that makes an sense. Now practising is much less about achieving and alot more about listening. But what went in between these two stages?. why..injury of course!

Having lost the fierceness of the 'can do' attitude i started with i have often asked...have a let myself down?, have a lost the parkour 'spirit'?, in a strange way i felt i was letting the female side down by writing down dilema, defeats, and desperations in a form that was acsessible to be read by others. I think that the issue of injury contributed greatly to this change of mind.

At times the internal and external dialogue around injury seems to follow this script;
-something unexpected happens-turns out to be as bad or worse than expected-this stuff happens-learn from it-be patient and heal-accept it as another challenge-stuggle, persevere, learn something aim to come back stronger-eventually succeed-its as if it never happened.
In total honesty i have to confess i have never achieved this final phase. Its not the pain of the injury that stays with me because the neither my hand nor my spine were that bad. If i ever cried during that time it wasn't tears of agony for wishing the pain to stop it was always tears of frustration. It was always realising that you had walked down a path that you couldn't turn back from and now you had to live with it. The sheer restriction of not being able to tie your shoelace or get up off the kitchen floor was an attack on the physical freedom i value most. It was a bitter pill to realise that the pursuit of the highest level of physical freedom now looked a bit like russian roulette. This fear colours everything i do and i can't decide if it is simply the wisdom and patience of knowing myself and learning a respect for fear or a damn good excuse to hide behind?

Either way although i dont stay up all night considering the ins and out of Parkour and blogging about them, i do still have a sense of dissatisfaction that i want to go further, that there is still more out there, that there is a invisible wall of my own making and as soon as i can feel it out i can start finding ways over it, under, around and through it to the point when the purpose of the wall existing vanishes and it dissolves altogther. And so the answer to what was it all? to learn about risk and what it really means. I'm still undecided though i think it is interesting that in my experience it is the perception and engagement with risk that divides the gender most strongly when out training and not strength or confidence or experience.

Oh wait....its now 1.20 am..... turns out that hasn't changed after all....:.)