On the couch with heartonsleeve

....i'm having a bit of Parkour crisis.

If I viewed Parkour as an isolated activity within my life there would be no trouble. But as I believe that nothing exists in isolation my Parkour practise was quite life changing and now my Parkour crisis is having equal impact. I really don't want to sound like overdramatic as I am very heathly, happy and safe in other ways and as such my crisis relates to an internal landscape not equatable with the diffculties of the external world. So what im sharing (for your reading pleasure (?!:.()is a little trip to the psyche of heartonsleeve. Maybe even a bit of therapy for me.

I have developed what im now calling a phobia in that it is irrational and behaviour affecting. I remember posting the oddity of losing the ability to slide monkey a month back. This wasn't a movement memory inability as i still understand how to do it but rather a mental block. My confidence over other elements like jumps, balancing and height have come; and interestingly gone depending on fatigue, frequency of practise, state of mind, level of (percieved) pressure from tutors if it was in a class and best of all time of the month (true)but then come back again as I eased off with the pressure and broke down tasks. Unfortunately the vault issue...and dudes...i mean at times step vaults STEP VAULTS!! (of which i consider myself queen as i used them in place of any other option:) has only grown in gravity. My mind has wound a bundle of neurons around that thought of vaults and fused it with fear, annoyance, timidity, and defeat. I think its a misplaced step to defend itself in some way from me constantly pushing the fear obstacles. Even writing this makes me uncomfortable, i actually feel sick and vunerable thinking of vaulting. I would rather go to the dentist for filling. Its a confidence issue and as usual Parkour is holding a mirror up to yourself. You can shout at a wall but at the end of the day you are only experiencing yourself of which the touch from the wall has stimulated the edges of your being and know your reeling, or buzzing or bummed from that contact.
so right now im not practising at all which is sad. I could go out and do everything else but vaults but then i would be one step closer to the potential of being able, or asking myself if i was able, to do one which is an unthinkably uncomfortable thought.
dudes..im in trouble. fight it or rest?