Ok decided to stop doing Parkour. the back injury wont go away with concrete and impact ever so, as the risk of injury, and by this I dont mean the risk of accident, is too high, i cant afford the physio bills or potentially time off dancing work anymore. Its been a brilliant process where have learnt alot about risk, fear, intensity, got to love being outdoors and also to love all weathers, got an insight into the scene and broke a jump that I never ever dreamt I would do even when i was progressing fast. I have also learnt a deeper understanding of 'whats in your head' and also that certain things aren't just in your head; they're in your body too and sometimes they dont't suit your body type. i have really been forced to assess what's important to me which is always sets you on a path thats very focused and lovely. i wont miss the bruises but i will miss the people.
Thanks for reading folks. Off to Brazil now.
Friday, August 21, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
trailing off..
Things have changed. The initial unquenchable search for any engagement with Parkour be it by going out to practise alone late at night or early in the morning, meeting new friends and training partners, watching U tube, talking the perspective of any old timer as gospel, analysing the treads of potential new footwear and having more self reflection than i had time to get down on this blog is definately not the as it once was. My passion has definately mellowed but has it burnt out altogether?(No!)As im aware it was a year commitment to keep a blog and im coming to the last few months it seemed time to ask.......what was it all for?.
Using Johanns questions posted on PK GEN blog (not quite ready to face up to Petes poetry challenge but give me time:.)as a way in i'm going to try and retrace my steps and see how the view is different.
1/ why did you start Parkour? - i knew about it from James Bond and Jump London...i started it because the opportunity was there in the form of PK Gen and at that time also Urban Freeflow classes and i don't think in honesty i would be involved with it now without having a structured way in. I started at that particular time because i was developing a compulsion for risk in many forms (made some interesting career choices i can tell you). i also had a massive 'can do' attitude at that time and thought; 'women can do this too', 'i can learn quickly', 'i can suprise myself', 'that could be me one day' (in response to watching pk vids), 'that will get me fit'. I also had a yearning for something extreme and the relatively militant edge to conditionning was very attractive. I wanted to be shouted out, i wanted a recognisable achievement, i wanted to feel, to hurt even, to do something exciting, i was sick of mediocrity, i wanted to escape the everyday so badly sometimes it felt like i might implode, i wanted to go to the tipping point and actually spill for once. There was a time a year ago when the potential transformation that Parkour can bring was the most attractive thing in the whole world and i was more ambitious and determined than ever. To find an activity that could connect your physicality, energy, imagination, desires, determination, your concept of who you were and what you 'did', your playfullness and your wisdom, an activity that was a the same time the coolest new thing and the oldest form concievable was quite a discovery.
Why do i do it now? - mostly to invest time focusing on something as an end in itself, it could be any activity but the safety issues that come with Parkour calls the thoughts into line a little more effectively and for this reason Parkour practise is still tied to a feeling of 'neccesity'for me in some ways. Another element that im experimenting with is commiting all my energy quickly and completely. This i would describe as my ability to express myself articulately, to make what is internal become external as effectively as possible. The moments after trying a big wall run I instinctually pace a bit, maybe stare with that glazed over look, i never feel quite ready to throw myself at a second attempt quite yet. I suspect now that the intensity of Parkours demanding full body movements stimulates the nervous system quite dramatically and those brief moments of pacing after are 'downtime'. Now I like listening to the fog and muddle that happens inside immediately after, like the way dropping a stone into a pond agitates the pond floor and temporarily turns the water murky. I challenge myself to collect my energy quicker, to go sooner than i think i am ready, to ask myself what i think i am waiting for?. Im glad to say i do still challenge myself now there is far less of the fear training. I can only describe the shift as being that i only want to accept challenges that put me together rather than take me apart if that makes an sense. Now practising is much less about achieving and alot more about listening. But what went in between these two stages?. why..injury of course!
Having lost the fierceness of the 'can do' attitude i started with i have often asked...have a let myself down?, have a lost the parkour 'spirit'?, in a strange way i felt i was letting the female side down by writing down dilema, defeats, and desperations in a form that was acsessible to be read by others. I think that the issue of injury contributed greatly to this change of mind.
At times the internal and external dialogue around injury seems to follow this script;
-something unexpected happens-turns out to be as bad or worse than expected-this stuff happens-learn from it-be patient and heal-accept it as another challenge-stuggle, persevere, learn something aim to come back stronger-eventually succeed-its as if it never happened.
In total honesty i have to confess i have never achieved this final phase. Its not the pain of the injury that stays with me because the neither my hand nor my spine were that bad. If i ever cried during that time it wasn't tears of agony for wishing the pain to stop it was always tears of frustration. It was always realising that you had walked down a path that you couldn't turn back from and now you had to live with it. The sheer restriction of not being able to tie your shoelace or get up off the kitchen floor was an attack on the physical freedom i value most. It was a bitter pill to realise that the pursuit of the highest level of physical freedom now looked a bit like russian roulette. This fear colours everything i do and i can't decide if it is simply the wisdom and patience of knowing myself and learning a respect for fear or a damn good excuse to hide behind?
Either way although i dont stay up all night considering the ins and out of Parkour and blogging about them, i do still have a sense of dissatisfaction that i want to go further, that there is still more out there, that there is a invisible wall of my own making and as soon as i can feel it out i can start finding ways over it, under, around and through it to the point when the purpose of the wall existing vanishes and it dissolves altogther. And so the answer to what was it all? to learn about risk and what it really means. I'm still undecided though i think it is interesting that in my experience it is the perception and engagement with risk that divides the gender most strongly when out training and not strength or confidence or experience.
Oh wait....its now 1.20 am..... turns out that hasn't changed after all....:.)
Using Johanns questions posted on PK GEN blog (not quite ready to face up to Petes poetry challenge but give me time:.)as a way in i'm going to try and retrace my steps and see how the view is different.
1/ why did you start Parkour? - i knew about it from James Bond and Jump London...i started it because the opportunity was there in the form of PK Gen and at that time also Urban Freeflow classes and i don't think in honesty i would be involved with it now without having a structured way in. I started at that particular time because i was developing a compulsion for risk in many forms (made some interesting career choices i can tell you). i also had a massive 'can do' attitude at that time and thought; 'women can do this too', 'i can learn quickly', 'i can suprise myself', 'that could be me one day' (in response to watching pk vids), 'that will get me fit'. I also had a yearning for something extreme and the relatively militant edge to conditionning was very attractive. I wanted to be shouted out, i wanted a recognisable achievement, i wanted to feel, to hurt even, to do something exciting, i was sick of mediocrity, i wanted to escape the everyday so badly sometimes it felt like i might implode, i wanted to go to the tipping point and actually spill for once. There was a time a year ago when the potential transformation that Parkour can bring was the most attractive thing in the whole world and i was more ambitious and determined than ever. To find an activity that could connect your physicality, energy, imagination, desires, determination, your concept of who you were and what you 'did', your playfullness and your wisdom, an activity that was a the same time the coolest new thing and the oldest form concievable was quite a discovery.
Why do i do it now? - mostly to invest time focusing on something as an end in itself, it could be any activity but the safety issues that come with Parkour calls the thoughts into line a little more effectively and for this reason Parkour practise is still tied to a feeling of 'neccesity'for me in some ways. Another element that im experimenting with is commiting all my energy quickly and completely. This i would describe as my ability to express myself articulately, to make what is internal become external as effectively as possible. The moments after trying a big wall run I instinctually pace a bit, maybe stare with that glazed over look, i never feel quite ready to throw myself at a second attempt quite yet. I suspect now that the intensity of Parkours demanding full body movements stimulates the nervous system quite dramatically and those brief moments of pacing after are 'downtime'. Now I like listening to the fog and muddle that happens inside immediately after, like the way dropping a stone into a pond agitates the pond floor and temporarily turns the water murky. I challenge myself to collect my energy quicker, to go sooner than i think i am ready, to ask myself what i think i am waiting for?. Im glad to say i do still challenge myself now there is far less of the fear training. I can only describe the shift as being that i only want to accept challenges that put me together rather than take me apart if that makes an sense. Now practising is much less about achieving and alot more about listening. But what went in between these two stages?. why..injury of course!
Having lost the fierceness of the 'can do' attitude i started with i have often asked...have a let myself down?, have a lost the parkour 'spirit'?, in a strange way i felt i was letting the female side down by writing down dilema, defeats, and desperations in a form that was acsessible to be read by others. I think that the issue of injury contributed greatly to this change of mind.
At times the internal and external dialogue around injury seems to follow this script;
-something unexpected happens-turns out to be as bad or worse than expected-this stuff happens-learn from it-be patient and heal-accept it as another challenge-stuggle, persevere, learn something aim to come back stronger-eventually succeed-its as if it never happened.
In total honesty i have to confess i have never achieved this final phase. Its not the pain of the injury that stays with me because the neither my hand nor my spine were that bad. If i ever cried during that time it wasn't tears of agony for wishing the pain to stop it was always tears of frustration. It was always realising that you had walked down a path that you couldn't turn back from and now you had to live with it. The sheer restriction of not being able to tie your shoelace or get up off the kitchen floor was an attack on the physical freedom i value most. It was a bitter pill to realise that the pursuit of the highest level of physical freedom now looked a bit like russian roulette. This fear colours everything i do and i can't decide if it is simply the wisdom and patience of knowing myself and learning a respect for fear or a damn good excuse to hide behind?
Either way although i dont stay up all night considering the ins and out of Parkour and blogging about them, i do still have a sense of dissatisfaction that i want to go further, that there is still more out there, that there is a invisible wall of my own making and as soon as i can feel it out i can start finding ways over it, under, around and through it to the point when the purpose of the wall existing vanishes and it dissolves altogther. And so the answer to what was it all? to learn about risk and what it really means. I'm still undecided though i think it is interesting that in my experience it is the perception and engagement with risk that divides the gender most strongly when out training and not strength or confidence or experience.
Oh wait....its now 1.20 am..... turns out that hasn't changed after all....:.)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
whats the matter with you ah! shutupayourface!
ok as few words as possible here as that is part of the problem;
often when i'm out training I hear people and myself included saying things like
"oh i need to work on my muscleup/ rail work today"
and so, we find an area, then 2 mins later then again i hear/say
" that reminds me/ i realise now that/ i have to work on my x, y, z and then it will be easier to do x, y, z,"
or
"im a bit tired, this rail isnt great, the lights fading"
or even worse a lengthy description can sometimes follow of training futures; challenges, plans, schedules, diet ideas, training spots with better walls etc.
to this im now wary and think: you are outdoors, you have your trainers on, the time is now...shut up and go on jump on something...thats the point.....
talking should be banned in Parkour like in libraries....both are sacred.
yours
miss suddenly ruthless.
peace and love xxxxxxxx :.)
often when i'm out training I hear people and myself included saying things like
"oh i need to work on my muscleup/ rail work today"
and so, we find an area, then 2 mins later then again i hear/say
" that reminds me/ i realise now that/ i have to work on my x, y, z and then it will be easier to do x, y, z,"
or
"im a bit tired, this rail isnt great, the lights fading"
or even worse a lengthy description can sometimes follow of training futures; challenges, plans, schedules, diet ideas, training spots with better walls etc.
to this im now wary and think: you are outdoors, you have your trainers on, the time is now...shut up and go on jump on something...thats the point.....
talking should be banned in Parkour like in libraries....both are sacred.
yours
miss suddenly ruthless.
peace and love xxxxxxxx :.)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
off to a good start
training was gwd!
fresh eyes on everything after such a long break meant that some fear had fallen away around a few movements. Nothing was considerably worse or harder than early January...everything was fun..this is all good!I did little trials of some wall runs, a few vaults, some balancing etc with the frame of mind; try it, decide how much strain it causes, pick a number of repititions to do and 1 simple aim e.g little quicker, or increase the speed of the run up and so, then do it, move on, and forget about it.
My aims now are to keep 'visiting the playground' so to speak!. As always the focus is also to be strong: keeping a resilient character, a lively spirit, a committed body and focused intent in all movements.
:.)
fresh eyes on everything after such a long break meant that some fear had fallen away around a few movements. Nothing was considerably worse or harder than early January...everything was fun..this is all good!I did little trials of some wall runs, a few vaults, some balancing etc with the frame of mind; try it, decide how much strain it causes, pick a number of repititions to do and 1 simple aim e.g little quicker, or increase the speed of the run up and so, then do it, move on, and forget about it.
My aims now are to keep 'visiting the playground' so to speak!. As always the focus is also to be strong: keeping a resilient character, a lively spirit, a committed body and focused intent in all movements.
:.)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
yearning!
first training scheduled for monday......:.)
i feel i have gained more than i have lost ...lets see if its true...
i wanna wall run so bad...i want to feel concrete under my palms....i wanna feel the soles of my feet fire as they make a million tiny calculations as to where my center of mass should be as i a twitch and tremble along a railing....i wanna wear a hoddie and hang out with my mates afterhours in urban jungles...
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
another thought about the idea of a brick wall...compared to humans, or skies, or memories, or water...it seems pretty unchangeable and therefore the ultimate unforgiving thing to confront...those places or relationships or situations where change seems impossible can sometimes therefore feel dead...i reckon those places are actually where deep underneath the real life is...to make movement flow in solid places....
commune with the concrete!!!!
xxx
i feel i have gained more than i have lost ...lets see if its true...
i wanna wall run so bad...i want to feel concrete under my palms....i wanna feel the soles of my feet fire as they make a million tiny calculations as to where my center of mass should be as i a twitch and tremble along a railing....i wanna wear a hoddie and hang out with my mates afterhours in urban jungles...
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
another thought about the idea of a brick wall...compared to humans, or skies, or memories, or water...it seems pretty unchangeable and therefore the ultimate unforgiving thing to confront...those places or relationships or situations where change seems impossible can sometimes therefore feel dead...i reckon those places are actually where deep underneath the real life is...to make movement flow in solid places....
commune with the concrete!!!!
xxx
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Easy does it
Im beginning to come out of the other side of this lower back injury and able to make a plan to build up training again.
I am actually incredibly grateful for this injury...i have said that before with other injurys whilst also being incredibly frustrated but this time i can say with honesty that i enjoyed the break and the lessons which are;
-i was doing too much high intensity without the sufficient low intensity recovery time and activities...literally breaking my back as they say..
-i was doing things without my mind and body connected, occansionally because i was absent in some way but mostly because i was arguing with myself in some way.....the bottom of your spine is the core of your being and it would make sense that these tensions and troubles play out in many systems of body and action. United systems of physicality+mentality+emotion+intuition (and not muscles)=strength
- i had underestimated the recovery time of the body. Listening to feeling ready was probably listening to wanting to be ready instead..and although bodies heal fast its not just the site of the injury the specific bone etc that needs time. The experience happens with the whole body and each system takes on board the information it recieved during and after impact and the adjustments and compensations seem to ripple in out and around the body for months...im not the same everyday dont expect to be able to ever do the same thing...dont expect at all maybe?
-Parkour is not classes, training is not reps.....although this is part of how it patterns itself in the everyday. Dealing with the obstacles that come up = the practise. I dont need to look for obstacles...they will always be enough that find me.
The external is not the same as the internal. Parkour will always have an external face and it will always look energetic, impressive, flashy and bright to fresh eyes. I hope to never again train to look like i can do Parkour, i hope to never again care if what i practise impresses anyone.
Now...me and my spine are going out for a gentle run and maybe have a little chat and enjoy some oxygen together.
I am actually incredibly grateful for this injury...i have said that before with other injurys whilst also being incredibly frustrated but this time i can say with honesty that i enjoyed the break and the lessons which are;
-i was doing too much high intensity without the sufficient low intensity recovery time and activities...literally breaking my back as they say..
-i was doing things without my mind and body connected, occansionally because i was absent in some way but mostly because i was arguing with myself in some way.....the bottom of your spine is the core of your being and it would make sense that these tensions and troubles play out in many systems of body and action. United systems of physicality+mentality+emotion+intuition (and not muscles)=strength
- i had underestimated the recovery time of the body. Listening to feeling ready was probably listening to wanting to be ready instead..and although bodies heal fast its not just the site of the injury the specific bone etc that needs time. The experience happens with the whole body and each system takes on board the information it recieved during and after impact and the adjustments and compensations seem to ripple in out and around the body for months...im not the same everyday dont expect to be able to ever do the same thing...dont expect at all maybe?
-Parkour is not classes, training is not reps.....although this is part of how it patterns itself in the everyday. Dealing with the obstacles that come up = the practise. I dont need to look for obstacles...they will always be enough that find me.
The external is not the same as the internal. Parkour will always have an external face and it will always look energetic, impressive, flashy and bright to fresh eyes. I hope to never again train to look like i can do Parkour, i hope to never again care if what i practise impresses anyone.
Now...me and my spine are going out for a gentle run and maybe have a little chat and enjoy some oxygen together.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
sorry to you; "come back..come back to me!"
Thanks Dave for very astute comments.:.)
I feel a little bit like apologising to anyone reading the blog. Yes the blog was never promised to be upbeat but instead a tracing of the process of committing to Parkour and working hard at it. The blog was going to be both a document of that process and a place to reflect. But however necessary it was as part of the process of learning i feel sorry for all the time spent......
moaning!
I think if you love Parkour it can be a potentially complex relationship if you let it be. And yes i do agree that as Dave suggested if the love for it wanes the fears take a stronger grip and the physical resitance to pain, to challenge, to healing grows. But also what I love is also moving in every sense and Parkour comes with a potentially much higher price to pay than dance practise does and so i recognise now that although no one wants, or indeed sets out to tear a ligament or break a bone not only we it stop me doing Parkour but it would stop me dancing which is an incredibly rewarding healing exciting activity that i get to do everyday. The thought of gambling with it, or taking lightly the gift that it is being able to properly rip up space and time through you blood and bones is why i first became hesitant as well.
But i feel im back. Watching the Interview with Stephane Documentary reminded me of my first feelings encountering training. That Parkour was something exceptional, exceptionally beautiful yet exceptionally everyday, something exceptionally hard but yet also simple. Watching that night in Vauxhall its great to see it from the outside, you dont remember the pain only that there was pain! each day not doing it is like forgetting to live that day.
I feel that if i questioned should i do Parkour i didn't commit to it...there should be no question. I see now that i am unlikely at least for now to train in the way the french traceurs seemed to and trying to replicate what i thought that meant didn't really always benefit me. But the principles remain the same strong body strong spirit, an obligation to play, generosity and community, following your own journey.
I feel a little bit like apologising to anyone reading the blog. Yes the blog was never promised to be upbeat but instead a tracing of the process of committing to Parkour and working hard at it. The blog was going to be both a document of that process and a place to reflect. But however necessary it was as part of the process of learning i feel sorry for all the time spent......
moaning!
I think if you love Parkour it can be a potentially complex relationship if you let it be. And yes i do agree that as Dave suggested if the love for it wanes the fears take a stronger grip and the physical resitance to pain, to challenge, to healing grows. But also what I love is also moving in every sense and Parkour comes with a potentially much higher price to pay than dance practise does and so i recognise now that although no one wants, or indeed sets out to tear a ligament or break a bone not only we it stop me doing Parkour but it would stop me dancing which is an incredibly rewarding healing exciting activity that i get to do everyday. The thought of gambling with it, or taking lightly the gift that it is being able to properly rip up space and time through you blood and bones is why i first became hesitant as well.
But i feel im back. Watching the Interview with Stephane Documentary reminded me of my first feelings encountering training. That Parkour was something exceptional, exceptionally beautiful yet exceptionally everyday, something exceptionally hard but yet also simple. Watching that night in Vauxhall its great to see it from the outside, you dont remember the pain only that there was pain! each day not doing it is like forgetting to live that day.
I feel that if i questioned should i do Parkour i didn't commit to it...there should be no question. I see now that i am unlikely at least for now to train in the way the french traceurs seemed to and trying to replicate what i thought that meant didn't really always benefit me. But the principles remain the same strong body strong spirit, an obligation to play, generosity and community, following your own journey.
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