After nearly a year off regular Parkour training and 6 months off blogging I found myself feeling that I have misunderstood the whole point of this Parkour lark entirely. I think in light of this and after the last post there needs a wee afterword.
Right now I feel like im waiting. Waiting to not mind that when I see Parkour, and wonder at what an amazing feat of human intention it, that I have stopped being part of it, not mind that I didn't find a way to carry on, or to accept that I took a good decision to stop.
Recently I watched the You Tube video of Rendevous when Annty is translating a question and answer moment...the point was made ' you must know why you practise because you put yourself in danger '. I think this is a really good point that can be overlooked when your high as kite and feeding off the adrenaline of a good training period. In my position of not training right now I turned the question around to ask 'you have to know why you don't train?'. And to that there is no good answer.
It makes no sense to continue spending time on Parkour training when I'm so very busy with things I love, spending money on training when money can be a struggle, spending energy when at times I can feel exhausted, nor does it make sense to take these risks when I have more than I could have wished for around me. It makes no sense when your highest ideal is freedom and biggest source of happiness is feeling physically free, able, strong and healthy to risk disabling yourself with a broken bone, a broken back, or potentially a permanent loss of function.
But this rationality itself is nonsensical and fits with nothing I value in this world. I'd much rather hug a tree, wave some incense not to mention write an overly emotional blog:.). Yep, im only rational when i'm terrified.
Last years blog started with a question about commitment and the research of it through training in Parkour. Commitment is a decision you take, correct?; a promise you make and then fulfill so that your word means something. By putting a timeframe on it e.g 'I will train and blog for a year' you put a safety net around the decision to uphold your behaviour, you live with it, you have a way out....and your word still means something as you only promised a year.
But its not this. The commitment was a reaction to something you value, in truth much more about committing to yourself than to anything outside of you, not about doing what you say but living what you value. Many things come and go but that feeling of insight and connection doesn't really, it seems you just lose sight of it because when you return it is just as and where you left it. A commitment is nothing unless you stick with it even when it makes absolutely no sense, no sense at all. I wondered if it was a question of faith and then I saw Daniel Ilabaca's 'Choose not to Fall' (which is really worth seeing) and decided that it was. Not a faith in God in the way I see it but that there is more to this world than it seems and more potential in people, in yourself, than you can imagine.
To live up to true Parkour spirit would take much longer than a years trial period, more like a lifetime. I couldn't carry on training in the way I was but that doesn't mean I have to stop. Who cares if someone else wouldnt call it 'proper Parkour' or even very good Parkour. If I want to be strong and be free of the envirnoment, or maybe freed by it, I imagine it would require a shift away from an obsession with improving and achieving and toward and more gentle but unfaltering persistence in not giving up. In finding a way to just keep going, lack of imagination is the only obstacle.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Friday, August 21, 2009
Last blog
Ok decided to stop doing Parkour. the back injury wont go away with concrete and impact ever so, as the risk of injury, and by this I dont mean the risk of accident, is too high, i cant afford the physio bills or potentially time off dancing work anymore. Its been a brilliant process where have learnt alot about risk, fear, intensity, got to love being outdoors and also to love all weathers, got an insight into the scene and broke a jump that I never ever dreamt I would do even when i was progressing fast. I have also learnt a deeper understanding of 'whats in your head' and also that certain things aren't just in your head; they're in your body too and sometimes they dont't suit your body type. i have really been forced to assess what's important to me which is always sets you on a path thats very focused and lovely. i wont miss the bruises but i will miss the people.
Thanks for reading folks. Off to Brazil now.
Thanks for reading folks. Off to Brazil now.
Monday, May 25, 2009
trailing off..
Things have changed. The initial unquenchable search for any engagement with Parkour be it by going out to practise alone late at night or early in the morning, meeting new friends and training partners, watching U tube, talking the perspective of any old timer as gospel, analysing the treads of potential new footwear and having more self reflection than i had time to get down on this blog is definately not the as it once was. My passion has definately mellowed but has it burnt out altogether?(No!)As im aware it was a year commitment to keep a blog and im coming to the last few months it seemed time to ask.......what was it all for?.
Using Johanns questions posted on PK GEN blog (not quite ready to face up to Petes poetry challenge but give me time:.)as a way in i'm going to try and retrace my steps and see how the view is different.
1/ why did you start Parkour? - i knew about it from James Bond and Jump London...i started it because the opportunity was there in the form of PK Gen and at that time also Urban Freeflow classes and i don't think in honesty i would be involved with it now without having a structured way in. I started at that particular time because i was developing a compulsion for risk in many forms (made some interesting career choices i can tell you). i also had a massive 'can do' attitude at that time and thought; 'women can do this too', 'i can learn quickly', 'i can suprise myself', 'that could be me one day' (in response to watching pk vids), 'that will get me fit'. I also had a yearning for something extreme and the relatively militant edge to conditionning was very attractive. I wanted to be shouted out, i wanted a recognisable achievement, i wanted to feel, to hurt even, to do something exciting, i was sick of mediocrity, i wanted to escape the everyday so badly sometimes it felt like i might implode, i wanted to go to the tipping point and actually spill for once. There was a time a year ago when the potential transformation that Parkour can bring was the most attractive thing in the whole world and i was more ambitious and determined than ever. To find an activity that could connect your physicality, energy, imagination, desires, determination, your concept of who you were and what you 'did', your playfullness and your wisdom, an activity that was a the same time the coolest new thing and the oldest form concievable was quite a discovery.
Why do i do it now? - mostly to invest time focusing on something as an end in itself, it could be any activity but the safety issues that come with Parkour calls the thoughts into line a little more effectively and for this reason Parkour practise is still tied to a feeling of 'neccesity'for me in some ways. Another element that im experimenting with is commiting all my energy quickly and completely. This i would describe as my ability to express myself articulately, to make what is internal become external as effectively as possible. The moments after trying a big wall run I instinctually pace a bit, maybe stare with that glazed over look, i never feel quite ready to throw myself at a second attempt quite yet. I suspect now that the intensity of Parkours demanding full body movements stimulates the nervous system quite dramatically and those brief moments of pacing after are 'downtime'. Now I like listening to the fog and muddle that happens inside immediately after, like the way dropping a stone into a pond agitates the pond floor and temporarily turns the water murky. I challenge myself to collect my energy quicker, to go sooner than i think i am ready, to ask myself what i think i am waiting for?. Im glad to say i do still challenge myself now there is far less of the fear training. I can only describe the shift as being that i only want to accept challenges that put me together rather than take me apart if that makes an sense. Now practising is much less about achieving and alot more about listening. But what went in between these two stages?. why..injury of course!
Having lost the fierceness of the 'can do' attitude i started with i have often asked...have a let myself down?, have a lost the parkour 'spirit'?, in a strange way i felt i was letting the female side down by writing down dilema, defeats, and desperations in a form that was acsessible to be read by others. I think that the issue of injury contributed greatly to this change of mind.
At times the internal and external dialogue around injury seems to follow this script;
-something unexpected happens-turns out to be as bad or worse than expected-this stuff happens-learn from it-be patient and heal-accept it as another challenge-stuggle, persevere, learn something aim to come back stronger-eventually succeed-its as if it never happened.
In total honesty i have to confess i have never achieved this final phase. Its not the pain of the injury that stays with me because the neither my hand nor my spine were that bad. If i ever cried during that time it wasn't tears of agony for wishing the pain to stop it was always tears of frustration. It was always realising that you had walked down a path that you couldn't turn back from and now you had to live with it. The sheer restriction of not being able to tie your shoelace or get up off the kitchen floor was an attack on the physical freedom i value most. It was a bitter pill to realise that the pursuit of the highest level of physical freedom now looked a bit like russian roulette. This fear colours everything i do and i can't decide if it is simply the wisdom and patience of knowing myself and learning a respect for fear or a damn good excuse to hide behind?
Either way although i dont stay up all night considering the ins and out of Parkour and blogging about them, i do still have a sense of dissatisfaction that i want to go further, that there is still more out there, that there is a invisible wall of my own making and as soon as i can feel it out i can start finding ways over it, under, around and through it to the point when the purpose of the wall existing vanishes and it dissolves altogther. And so the answer to what was it all? to learn about risk and what it really means. I'm still undecided though i think it is interesting that in my experience it is the perception and engagement with risk that divides the gender most strongly when out training and not strength or confidence or experience.
Oh wait....its now 1.20 am..... turns out that hasn't changed after all....:.)
Using Johanns questions posted on PK GEN blog (not quite ready to face up to Petes poetry challenge but give me time:.)as a way in i'm going to try and retrace my steps and see how the view is different.
1/ why did you start Parkour? - i knew about it from James Bond and Jump London...i started it because the opportunity was there in the form of PK Gen and at that time also Urban Freeflow classes and i don't think in honesty i would be involved with it now without having a structured way in. I started at that particular time because i was developing a compulsion for risk in many forms (made some interesting career choices i can tell you). i also had a massive 'can do' attitude at that time and thought; 'women can do this too', 'i can learn quickly', 'i can suprise myself', 'that could be me one day' (in response to watching pk vids), 'that will get me fit'. I also had a yearning for something extreme and the relatively militant edge to conditionning was very attractive. I wanted to be shouted out, i wanted a recognisable achievement, i wanted to feel, to hurt even, to do something exciting, i was sick of mediocrity, i wanted to escape the everyday so badly sometimes it felt like i might implode, i wanted to go to the tipping point and actually spill for once. There was a time a year ago when the potential transformation that Parkour can bring was the most attractive thing in the whole world and i was more ambitious and determined than ever. To find an activity that could connect your physicality, energy, imagination, desires, determination, your concept of who you were and what you 'did', your playfullness and your wisdom, an activity that was a the same time the coolest new thing and the oldest form concievable was quite a discovery.
Why do i do it now? - mostly to invest time focusing on something as an end in itself, it could be any activity but the safety issues that come with Parkour calls the thoughts into line a little more effectively and for this reason Parkour practise is still tied to a feeling of 'neccesity'for me in some ways. Another element that im experimenting with is commiting all my energy quickly and completely. This i would describe as my ability to express myself articulately, to make what is internal become external as effectively as possible. The moments after trying a big wall run I instinctually pace a bit, maybe stare with that glazed over look, i never feel quite ready to throw myself at a second attempt quite yet. I suspect now that the intensity of Parkours demanding full body movements stimulates the nervous system quite dramatically and those brief moments of pacing after are 'downtime'. Now I like listening to the fog and muddle that happens inside immediately after, like the way dropping a stone into a pond agitates the pond floor and temporarily turns the water murky. I challenge myself to collect my energy quicker, to go sooner than i think i am ready, to ask myself what i think i am waiting for?. Im glad to say i do still challenge myself now there is far less of the fear training. I can only describe the shift as being that i only want to accept challenges that put me together rather than take me apart if that makes an sense. Now practising is much less about achieving and alot more about listening. But what went in between these two stages?. why..injury of course!
Having lost the fierceness of the 'can do' attitude i started with i have often asked...have a let myself down?, have a lost the parkour 'spirit'?, in a strange way i felt i was letting the female side down by writing down dilema, defeats, and desperations in a form that was acsessible to be read by others. I think that the issue of injury contributed greatly to this change of mind.
At times the internal and external dialogue around injury seems to follow this script;
-something unexpected happens-turns out to be as bad or worse than expected-this stuff happens-learn from it-be patient and heal-accept it as another challenge-stuggle, persevere, learn something aim to come back stronger-eventually succeed-its as if it never happened.
In total honesty i have to confess i have never achieved this final phase. Its not the pain of the injury that stays with me because the neither my hand nor my spine were that bad. If i ever cried during that time it wasn't tears of agony for wishing the pain to stop it was always tears of frustration. It was always realising that you had walked down a path that you couldn't turn back from and now you had to live with it. The sheer restriction of not being able to tie your shoelace or get up off the kitchen floor was an attack on the physical freedom i value most. It was a bitter pill to realise that the pursuit of the highest level of physical freedom now looked a bit like russian roulette. This fear colours everything i do and i can't decide if it is simply the wisdom and patience of knowing myself and learning a respect for fear or a damn good excuse to hide behind?
Either way although i dont stay up all night considering the ins and out of Parkour and blogging about them, i do still have a sense of dissatisfaction that i want to go further, that there is still more out there, that there is a invisible wall of my own making and as soon as i can feel it out i can start finding ways over it, under, around and through it to the point when the purpose of the wall existing vanishes and it dissolves altogther. And so the answer to what was it all? to learn about risk and what it really means. I'm still undecided though i think it is interesting that in my experience it is the perception and engagement with risk that divides the gender most strongly when out training and not strength or confidence or experience.
Oh wait....its now 1.20 am..... turns out that hasn't changed after all....:.)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
whats the matter with you ah! shutupayourface!
ok as few words as possible here as that is part of the problem;
often when i'm out training I hear people and myself included saying things like
"oh i need to work on my muscleup/ rail work today"
and so, we find an area, then 2 mins later then again i hear/say
" that reminds me/ i realise now that/ i have to work on my x, y, z and then it will be easier to do x, y, z,"
or
"im a bit tired, this rail isnt great, the lights fading"
or even worse a lengthy description can sometimes follow of training futures; challenges, plans, schedules, diet ideas, training spots with better walls etc.
to this im now wary and think: you are outdoors, you have your trainers on, the time is now...shut up and go on jump on something...thats the point.....
talking should be banned in Parkour like in libraries....both are sacred.
yours
miss suddenly ruthless.
peace and love xxxxxxxx :.)
often when i'm out training I hear people and myself included saying things like
"oh i need to work on my muscleup/ rail work today"
and so, we find an area, then 2 mins later then again i hear/say
" that reminds me/ i realise now that/ i have to work on my x, y, z and then it will be easier to do x, y, z,"
or
"im a bit tired, this rail isnt great, the lights fading"
or even worse a lengthy description can sometimes follow of training futures; challenges, plans, schedules, diet ideas, training spots with better walls etc.
to this im now wary and think: you are outdoors, you have your trainers on, the time is now...shut up and go on jump on something...thats the point.....
talking should be banned in Parkour like in libraries....both are sacred.
yours
miss suddenly ruthless.
peace and love xxxxxxxx :.)
Thursday, April 2, 2009
off to a good start
training was gwd!
fresh eyes on everything after such a long break meant that some fear had fallen away around a few movements. Nothing was considerably worse or harder than early January...everything was fun..this is all good!I did little trials of some wall runs, a few vaults, some balancing etc with the frame of mind; try it, decide how much strain it causes, pick a number of repititions to do and 1 simple aim e.g little quicker, or increase the speed of the run up and so, then do it, move on, and forget about it.
My aims now are to keep 'visiting the playground' so to speak!. As always the focus is also to be strong: keeping a resilient character, a lively spirit, a committed body and focused intent in all movements.
:.)
fresh eyes on everything after such a long break meant that some fear had fallen away around a few movements. Nothing was considerably worse or harder than early January...everything was fun..this is all good!I did little trials of some wall runs, a few vaults, some balancing etc with the frame of mind; try it, decide how much strain it causes, pick a number of repititions to do and 1 simple aim e.g little quicker, or increase the speed of the run up and so, then do it, move on, and forget about it.
My aims now are to keep 'visiting the playground' so to speak!. As always the focus is also to be strong: keeping a resilient character, a lively spirit, a committed body and focused intent in all movements.
:.)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
yearning!
first training scheduled for monday......:.)
i feel i have gained more than i have lost ...lets see if its true...
i wanna wall run so bad...i want to feel concrete under my palms....i wanna feel the soles of my feet fire as they make a million tiny calculations as to where my center of mass should be as i a twitch and tremble along a railing....i wanna wear a hoddie and hang out with my mates afterhours in urban jungles...
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
another thought about the idea of a brick wall...compared to humans, or skies, or memories, or water...it seems pretty unchangeable and therefore the ultimate unforgiving thing to confront...those places or relationships or situations where change seems impossible can sometimes therefore feel dead...i reckon those places are actually where deep underneath the real life is...to make movement flow in solid places....
commune with the concrete!!!!
xxx
i feel i have gained more than i have lost ...lets see if its true...
i wanna wall run so bad...i want to feel concrete under my palms....i wanna feel the soles of my feet fire as they make a million tiny calculations as to where my center of mass should be as i a twitch and tremble along a railing....i wanna wear a hoddie and hang out with my mates afterhours in urban jungles...
aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....
another thought about the idea of a brick wall...compared to humans, or skies, or memories, or water...it seems pretty unchangeable and therefore the ultimate unforgiving thing to confront...those places or relationships or situations where change seems impossible can sometimes therefore feel dead...i reckon those places are actually where deep underneath the real life is...to make movement flow in solid places....
commune with the concrete!!!!
xxx
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Easy does it
Im beginning to come out of the other side of this lower back injury and able to make a plan to build up training again.
I am actually incredibly grateful for this injury...i have said that before with other injurys whilst also being incredibly frustrated but this time i can say with honesty that i enjoyed the break and the lessons which are;
-i was doing too much high intensity without the sufficient low intensity recovery time and activities...literally breaking my back as they say..
-i was doing things without my mind and body connected, occansionally because i was absent in some way but mostly because i was arguing with myself in some way.....the bottom of your spine is the core of your being and it would make sense that these tensions and troubles play out in many systems of body and action. United systems of physicality+mentality+emotion+intuition (and not muscles)=strength
- i had underestimated the recovery time of the body. Listening to feeling ready was probably listening to wanting to be ready instead..and although bodies heal fast its not just the site of the injury the specific bone etc that needs time. The experience happens with the whole body and each system takes on board the information it recieved during and after impact and the adjustments and compensations seem to ripple in out and around the body for months...im not the same everyday dont expect to be able to ever do the same thing...dont expect at all maybe?
-Parkour is not classes, training is not reps.....although this is part of how it patterns itself in the everyday. Dealing with the obstacles that come up = the practise. I dont need to look for obstacles...they will always be enough that find me.
The external is not the same as the internal. Parkour will always have an external face and it will always look energetic, impressive, flashy and bright to fresh eyes. I hope to never again train to look like i can do Parkour, i hope to never again care if what i practise impresses anyone.
Now...me and my spine are going out for a gentle run and maybe have a little chat and enjoy some oxygen together.
I am actually incredibly grateful for this injury...i have said that before with other injurys whilst also being incredibly frustrated but this time i can say with honesty that i enjoyed the break and the lessons which are;
-i was doing too much high intensity without the sufficient low intensity recovery time and activities...literally breaking my back as they say..
-i was doing things without my mind and body connected, occansionally because i was absent in some way but mostly because i was arguing with myself in some way.....the bottom of your spine is the core of your being and it would make sense that these tensions and troubles play out in many systems of body and action. United systems of physicality+mentality+emotion+intuition (and not muscles)=strength
- i had underestimated the recovery time of the body. Listening to feeling ready was probably listening to wanting to be ready instead..and although bodies heal fast its not just the site of the injury the specific bone etc that needs time. The experience happens with the whole body and each system takes on board the information it recieved during and after impact and the adjustments and compensations seem to ripple in out and around the body for months...im not the same everyday dont expect to be able to ever do the same thing...dont expect at all maybe?
-Parkour is not classes, training is not reps.....although this is part of how it patterns itself in the everyday. Dealing with the obstacles that come up = the practise. I dont need to look for obstacles...they will always be enough that find me.
The external is not the same as the internal. Parkour will always have an external face and it will always look energetic, impressive, flashy and bright to fresh eyes. I hope to never again train to look like i can do Parkour, i hope to never again care if what i practise impresses anyone.
Now...me and my spine are going out for a gentle run and maybe have a little chat and enjoy some oxygen together.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
